CRB pays for donkey

Just after midnight £500 came into my bank account from the Criminal Records Bureau in England. Finally after all these months, I have accepted their measly £500 because the National Union of Teachers couldn’t be arsed to fight the case properly, plus the Archbishop’s School, where I worked for seven years, shamefully told the CRB that they would not necessarily have employed me anyway (even though they requested and paid for the CRB disclosure in order to employ me!)  Thus they demolished any possible case for any compensation for loss of earnings, probably just out of pure spite because of the press attention that the case attracted over several months while I fought to establish my good name when the CRB confused me with a criminal with the same name on the police computer.

Seven years of commitment and hard work at that Church of England school, whose Patron is the Archbishop of Canterbury, and in the end I found the establishment to be morally bankrupt and entirely uncaring when I was randomly attacked by an incompetent police bureaucracy that is not answerable to the democratic controls of a modern liberal society.

I dismissed the NUT solicitor a couple of weeks ago after she admitted that she hadn’t even found out the name of the person at the CRB that she was meant to be negotiating with!  I wrote one email and found out immediately, then wrote a letter to NUT HQ resigning from the union and declaring their legal team to be incompetent.  I received no
reply.  The only person who has been of any help in all this time has been the Conservative MP for Canterbury, Julian Brazier.  There was a limit to what he could do, as the CRB is quite unaccountable, but Julian Brazier at least gave me all the support he could in the media.  In the end, a police bureaucracy will do what it wants, regardless of the government of the day.

So I just decided that I would accept the CRB’s £500 – mainly for ‘closure’, as I cannot bear the prospect of it dragging on for another minute! I will use the £500 to buy a donkey, and I will write to the BBC and the various other press agencies who followed this case and I will tell them that the CRB have kindly paid for me to have donkey therapy.

So, it’s goodbye to all that and hello donkey!  I can probably buy a giant Andalusian for £500.  I understand that they have brought in some fairly tough regulations now for keeping horses and donkeys in Spain.  Donkeys have to be microchipped and there’s an exotic array of wonderful paperwork to go through which is almost as spellbinding as the donkeys themselves!

Still, I should have a headstart because I can pull out of my briefcase a whole pile of current CRB certificates: one for the Return to Teaching course in Canterbury; one for the Archbishop’s School; another for the RC Archdiocese of Southwark; then three more for various supply teaching agencies.  So, I will be the safest donkey groomer in the whole of the Costa Blanca.  There’s no need for any CRB to teach children here, of course.  Spain ceased to be a police state in the 1970s.


About Gareth Thomas

After a mixed career as an aircraft technician, London fringe theatre playwright, Franciscan friar, and secondary school teacher, I find myself dividing my time mostly between looking after the needs of four donkeys in a remote location in the mountains in the Costa Blanca and preparing a legal case against the corrupt management of my monstrous last employer - the Elians group - for unfair dismissal. I like to hear the wind in the pine trees. I do not like struggling to get a duvet into a duvet cover. My musical tastes are extinct and I have mostly given up cycle racing.
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2 Responses to CRB pays for donkey

  1. Caroline says:

    Perhaps you will wish to name the female domesticated ass after the NUT solicitor?

    Could they not have called it the National Teachers Union, or NTU?? It is so extremely difficult for me to take seriously any organization which happily refers to itself as “NUT.”

  2. Frere Rabit says:

    Caroline, that is a very jolly suggestion, but there’s no way I am going to lumber a poor donkey from the endangered race of giant Andalucians with the name “Vanessa Wilson”. Donkeys are very intelligent and sensitive people and she would be mortified if she ever found out she had been named after a part-time trainee solicitor who couldn’t find the name of the person she was meant to be talking to after two and a half months. Besides, how easy is it to get a satellite internet connection fixed up in a donkey shed for a trainee asinine solicitor during a recesssion?

    But thanks all the same for the suggestion. And a link to this page has gone to the CRB, the NUT, the BBC and the House of Commons. Many thanks to all supporters. Raspberries to the villains of the piece. It will all be in my novel. Together with loads more donkeys. You’ll see how it works out. Enjoy…!

    Oh, what the heck… I’m going to post the Budweiser advert again.

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